6/06/2024- Skill building is my best coping mechanism to get me out of a funk
I am going to put a pin it and say this works for me. Also, there is a cease fire in my home. Building boundaries is not for the faint of heart. The amount of changes my family and I have gone through in the last few years, it hasn’t been easy. I force change on myself and force myself to go past my tolerance level often. In fact every argument I have had with my husband and it has been many, I learned something new about the brain, people you name it. When both my husband and I met we were twins with different terrible parenting that reached both sides of the spectrum in regards to parental neglect and abuse. Attachment styles here are ever changing because the truth is digging into yourself to visit nightmares of time past through constantly changing perspectives of knowledge of human behavior and why and then how- Thats alot of patterns too find. I think I have reached even the edges of google scholar in my research. The fine edges of the strange and interesting studies that have been done over the course of time.
I can not ignore or not take into account someones past or explanations for behaviors that are out of the ordinary. To ignore the beginning of any organic beings start or internal wrings seems awfully self centered. A person is a whole of series of events- that is who they are, and because of that I can be team player regardless of how our interpersonal relationship. If zombies are coming, I want some who grabs the bat when I say go- I don’t care what your likes and dislikes are- those belong to you-and I am ok with that- just along as your ok with mine. We don’t have to agree to work together. Everyone has a good idea cooking their brain. Also I don’t have to like a person to help them, nor will I doubt their experience when stated. I will take you for your word until you break it. I would hope you expected the same from me.
6/05/2024- Code Red Coping Mechanisms
I only have one code red mechanism, and I just made up that category for it. World of Warcraft. Its time to go take out my frustrations using virtual magical weapons. I just have to download it again . I am going to live stream my shitty gaming on Twitch as well, so back to work.
You saw my crash and burn this morning. I was in full meltdown- I was ready to move to Mongolia and live my best life out as a professional crier – luckily I did not buy a plane ticket. (Like I had money to- haha- I would’ve found a way)
Bank of America sent me a judgement for a credit card from 6 years ago- They are going to garnish the money in my bank account that I don’t have. 6 years ago? God bless america bullshit.
Is rent expensive in Mongolia? I heard Japan is nice too. Being six feet tall however might make it difficult to hide and find shoes there however. If I went to the Netherlands maybe, I could blend right in. My human suit lacks good camouflage ability so locals maybe limited.
6/5/2024- I quit for 30 minutes.
So I was just at the brink of despair and now I am back online. Just as a FYI don’t send emails out like I do when your upset. Wait, until the crying as stopped. If there was a job where I could be a professional crier I would take it right now and be employee of the month.
I had my appt with my monthly mental health doc and I feel better. She has been my only consistent supporter the last three years and deserves a medal.
I feel discouraged – I know my research is correct and worthy of review- how do I get someone to read it? I need it to test it in lab with equipment. If I had the money I’d buy my own damn equipment.
6/5/2024 – I quit.
06/5/2024- ten minutes later
My mind is spinning- cancel everything my brain says. I am going to have I think. I can’t afford t pay for this site, if I need to take care of myself. My husband has already implied that I am on my own if we divorce. To stay married I have to accept my twice a month word battering of miscellaneous things I do wrong- its everything, its hard to keep tabs on all my errors honestly. If you ask him, its me. So I will be the problem as always. I don’t have job because I stayed at home with my boys and no family now. So. Yeah- If I just fix me everything will be better…
I wish I could just vanish into thin air right now. I’m embarrassed. I ashamed. I can’t believe I actually thought anyone would care. My husband was right about that.
6/5/2024-Defeated.
Well, I finally got a hold of prof. cohen- I got basically a high five for website. I did a good job, but nothing more. I really wanted some feedback. Something more tangible then good job. I guess not having mathematical savant skills my downfall. I don’t know. There is a lot of people in the world that need a fancy title behind information for it to be true, and I hoped that this site could be reviewed to see if there is anything worthwhile to help facilitate some change or movement in this fucking biased world we live in. How in the world does anything happen if I can’t even get someone to take me seriously. Is it possible that someone without a degree could have deciphered autism? I sure thought I was pretty close but now I feel like a infantilized idiot.
Its so easy for non autistics, their world works fine for them. Maybe autism is like a hobby for them , like a play thing they dabble in and then go back to their easy worlds.
Yesterday, I spoke to the Dept of Education about my case at the community college. He implied (I think) that what happened at the college was just people being mean, but not discrimination. Its ok to be graded down for things outside of my realm of control. Because if I want to attend college then I need to make sure I can preform at a non autistic level. I could I guess, no kids, job- just school.. I probably could. For what though? I would hate myself everyday for all the mistakes etc I made trying to keep up. Its ok I guess.
I think that its an emergency when as autistic person , bias is so engrained in society that none of the supposed safe people that your taught to go to when you need help will help you.
We aren’t safe to be ourselves anywhere but our homes. If we leave our homes we should expect to be infantilized and dismissed.
All I know is, I would like to feel safe for once in my life. Not be scared of people , or things I don’t understand. Not always have look over my shoulder, or overthink to make sure I don’t miss something-
I really thought since people talked about helping autism so much they might like this site. But, no- it doesn’t puzzle pieces , or talk about how what a burden we are to society- I think thats what the world wants more of-
all this time and thought for a pat on the head. That was the last response I needed hear and I just crashed and burned this morning. I can’t stop crying. I wanted to change the world before my son had to live in as adult. I didn’t want him to live in a world where people thought he burden. I didn’t want him to experience what I am feeling and have felt this last three years. I dont think I could live a lifetime of this – like I am invisible. I feel like I let him down and at loss now.
6/2/2024-Catchy Title should go here.
I have been watching Healthy Gamer today on brain dissociation- He starts talking about alexithymia – and yes its a term heard quite a bit in the divergent community- but certain items that I am unable to put words to don’t make sense. Let me know what you think about the post I wrote- https://theneurodivergentbrain.org/alexithymia-or-synesthesia/
6/1/2024- I’ve got a lot done!
This week – my spouse left to go race and me and the kids were home unsupervised and it was awesome. For right now I wont speak about why its awesome other than not having to brace for constant conflict. Finally today my brain relaxed enough to do some python coding- I am building something , but I don’t want to say yet. I get huge ideas in my head and today I was able to make some progress towards it. I like coding and building things in this manner, I don’t enjoy doing it the easy way- or rather using builders. I don’t learn anything.
My sons did some tank building with cardboard last night and I finally have built my sleep pod or nook- I have found that small spaces make me feel secure, so I decided to experiment and see if I could improve my overall well being by creating one. I have been so stressed. Everything seems to fall apart at the same time- I am just unwilling to accept being treated poorly by anyone anymore.. My husband was the last adult in my life and my biggest bully. He’s the reason I found out I was autistic, because of him telling me something was wrong with me. My dumb memory too easily forgets negative behavior- I think because I all the things I have experienced in my life. Trauma is normal- People have always been terrible to me, especially the ones that were supposed to keep me safe. I’m glad I have all of you , knowing you are out there and that you might see me- that maybe this time I won’t be invisible, makes me feel safer then I have ever have. Thank you for being here and reading my words. I appreciate you more then you know.
5/29/2024- It is so hot outside
I do not do well with heat. I have been organizing. I think I want to sell some of my collections to help pay for this site, so I have to get organized. I am old now, and I am slower. No that’s not it…I get to cleaning and I am impatient- so I move things that are probably to heavy for me, and well– now my body aches. I want to do videos, I don’t think you guys want to look at the clutter behind me. I have so many books and things– I collect stuff. Books and trinkets. I was going to sell my shoe collection , just because they are taking up space, and I won’t wear them. I try to like shoes and socks. I just don’t like my feet hot and constricted. So I wear flip flops everywhere. With my gait and balance they are probably worst shoe to wear, because they sometimes slip off the feet, etc. I love them , but not sneakers. So I am trying to organize an I am also starting some new experiments. Sleep and horticulture. I am a horrible plant keeper. I simply can not be trusted with plants. However, it has improved as far survival time. So now instead of dying after 2 weeks maybe its 4 -6 . My reptile and chicken family is good- I can keep those alive just fine- just not plants. I refuse to give up. I need to clean up my mess so I will be back later- Glad you stopped by! Thank you for visiting.
5/26/2024-
If babies can use sign language to communicate–
and Tetsuro Matsuzawa is saying that chimps came down from the trees-lost memory to gain language
Remembering sign language uses memory
The assumption that if there is no verbal language that the communicator is of lower intellect or lower cognitive ability- why are we so sure that verbal language is the only language. Perhaps, we simply have not practiced other types of language in order for our brains to be good at it.
That seems close minded, no? That verbal language signifies superiority over any and all- But if a baby can sign before he can speak, that would indicate his visual language skills are the most important, because its prioritized over verbal language. A computer has a order of events in lets start up, or software install- a sequence of events that have to occur for the system to work smoothly.
Humans have prioritized socializing or being extroverts over everything so we push our children to speak very early when perhaps we are not supposed to be. We prioritize speaking over discovery. Don’t you think that is a problem? What inventions have we come up with recently? Time has not stopped, yet we as a civilization are on a infinite spring break. So concerned with how we are perceived and how we can achieve more material items for the self – we are no longer collectively working for the betterment of whole. Our human civilization will not survive if we continue. We have become glutenous Karen’s slowly eating ourselves alive because we are unwilling to change our behaviors. The time for talking has passed. We have the technology to get things done – eradicate disease, reduce waste, climate change, etc- no reason why we can’t turn things around.
—I cant think about that stuff too much- gives me a panic attack. Anyways- I have been trying to work the speed of the site today. I am still a rookie web developer so I make alot of mistakes. I am working on it. There is just so many steps – every plug in, analytic, whatever- has a zillion steps. I do this 24-7 just to get 50% right- It takes so long for me to learn things sometimes- and then to make things worse, its all my brain wants to do- anytime I get closer to learning something completely, my brain becomes obsessed to complete the task. I get a huge dopamine hit when I do finally it my mark or goal- let me tell ya- I trained myself to do this because my PDA is so bad. I don’t reward myself until I complete the task- so I will hold a carrot of some kind and then I just keep trying until I get that carrot. Then I make sure that I force my hand to do things-
Basically I trap myself in a corner in order to get myself to do things outside of my comfort zone on purpose. I know that whenever there something I have to do – I always have anxiety if I have not done it before or If I have no idea what will happen if I do that said thing (that is the missing connections in the brain from the irregular connectivity)- the anxiety will make me double over with abdominal pain its so bad. So I have to make that anxiety go away, right? Usually doing the uncomfortable thing will relieve it. Rarely it makes it worse. This knowledge comes from life experience. I’m going to be 49 this year and I have files quite a few life patterns- one of those patterns is that its never as bad as I think will be. That is my catastrophic thinking in play there, leading up to it I ruminate. And do I ever ruminate… over and over in my head.. the steps or whatever-
Once I do the unknown thing- the anxiety goes away usually- I found I have to manually insert the missing connection, or rather in order for the brain to make the final piece of the missing step I have to do the activity. I am assuming that is the at Neuroplasticity play there and I still make new connections to this day. You would be surprised how many new steps and things I have learned just in the past two years. So experience definitely helps my autism, at least. It most definitely reduces my anxiety. Now whenever I am anxious, I look at what I am anxious about, break it down like system or engine schematic , and work through it that way. If something is autism related, I simply compartmentalize it as simply that- a faulty wire, find a work around and move on. Same with my adhd and dyslexia- I find work arounds for everything. I know if I do something on repeat eventually I’ll memorize it. I try to have as much of my functions on auto pilot as possible hence my adherence to routine- sameness gives me more brain power. I like brain power. So now in my life, everything revolves around safekeeping my brain power. I loved college. Loved it. But when I started getting to overstimulated thinking about dumb stuff like word formatting, textbook quizzes, implied ambiguous instructions for assignments that preferred limited or narrow thinking (only using teacher provided information) I had to stop going.
Honestly I was disappointed and surprised that college was so narrow thinking-
Thinking small for me is like trying to squeeze a watermelon into jar. It makes me agitated and I actually start to tic. When I was doing the online quizzes from the text book website for Anthropology, the format had a lot of flashing things, implied questions, backwards question, then they ask the questions again- I would tik so bad- my motor skills using the mouse would then mis click which would make the quiz go longer- I told the professor. He only changed the mid term for me but didn’t change the others- even after I told him what it did to me physically- Isn’t that terrible?
Like to tell someone you are physically uncomfortable that your body twitching and tiking, and they just ignore it. I have found that reaction to be the most prevalent. acting as if I never said anything, or that my autism is the kind with no symptoms- because I was there , its assumed that I should just be able to overcome anything I have difficulty with- there is no room for autism in college- one has to be able to write and behave non autisticlly to be successful. I could do it- no kids , I could definitely do it- In the past I would have comprised my belief systems, and conformed. I won’t now. Why should I? There is nothing wrong with my thinking. And in the real world, no one cares if you office email is formatted perfectly. Plus I thought college was about learning and expanding our thinking- sticking to a year old text book- Very little lecture as well- I love lectures. I want know what the professor knows. I would assume if you are teaching it , you must know everything about the subject- well- I wanna know– Professors wouldn’t even entertain my big questions I had for them either. What a disappointment that was- couldn’t get intellectual banter going to save my life.
I love what if questions, experiments… if I add an egg instead of vegetable oil – or I wonder if I cover this box if my hens will use it- I do what if stuff all the time- That’s why this site goes down every now and then , because I am experimenting with word press. I can’t help it. I always got to fuck with shit- its in my DNA.
Oh and the entire world goes quiet around 2:30 in the afternoon my time. Not a visitor in site on my site- Oh- look- I am a poet and I didn’t even know it.
In fact, the poet Edgar Allen Poe was Autistic.. my personal opinion – I believe he writes about it in his poem “Alone”
Alone by Edgar Allen Poe
“From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were—I have not seen
As others saw—I could not bring
My passions from a common spring—
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow—I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone—
And all I lov’d—I lov’d alone—
Then—in my childhood—in the dawn
Of a most stormy life—was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still—
From the torrent, or the fountain—
From the red cliff of the mountain—
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold—
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by—
From the thunder, and the storm—
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view— “
5/25/2024- 20 minutes-
I just checked on my chickens- I was thinking- I don’t know how information like this could be monetized to the extent that you have to pay or go to someone to get it- that is a imbalance of something- power maybe- it doesn’t seem right. I feel that feeling good enough to get out of bed to at least function somewhat normally is a fundamental human right- like breathing. Everyone deserves that opportunity to at least try without a mountain of challenges before them. Then it doesn’t even matter if we overcome things or whatever, because now we are know it alls and think we know everything and then we are rude about it. We can’t win either way. It we are able to do things then its expected now- who cares if you are working twice as hard- I see you can do it so you should be able to get over the rest. That’s the mentality- You seem fine- you don’t autistic- you don’t seem hyperactive- ok
Then non divergent’s forget that you work twice as hard daily. Your memories suck. Over and over we tell you and over and over you forget. Then get mad at us when we run out of batteries. Now we are a behavior problem. Couldn’t be bothered before and now you are incredibly bothered.
Just stop- quit crying- you always so angry- why are you like that- its not that hard- it just takes practice , you will get it- every one is little autistic- we all experience what you experience- isnt everyone a little adhd, come on- its for the medication, right? The instructions were clear, you need to pay better attention. Why are dropping things? Hold your plate and pay attention. Its irresponsible when you forget things, you need to be better. If you can’t handle your responsibilities maybe you shouldn’t have any responsibilities at all. I can’t handle your emotions, you cause me too much stress. Can’t you talk about something else? You are always interrupting me. Its rude when you don’t talk to people. Why are you so uptight? Maybe you should smile more, then people would like you. You always look unhappy? Are you ever happy? Pay attention to me when I speak. Look at me when I speak to you. Oh you think this funny. Oh you remember, you choose to forget. Its a choice. Oh, you stutter now, or you just want to get out of taking accountability.
Imagine that, your entire life, by everyone ,everywhere.
I am going to call my elopement moments “Popping a Fuse” . Like a breaker popped in the electrical system. Again. Fun times. That’s probably what happens- my brain overheats- hahaha
5/25/2024
So today I had another elopment thing- it needs a better name….I feel like the intensity is worse than a meltdown- and my thoughts more chaotic – almost like my brain is glitching or rather every connection is firing randomly and quickly- so the thoughts are random- its kind of scary because I don’t know what to do and all I want is to not even escape – like disappear into infinity. Stress from kids being sick is probably what got it going- Anyways, so I was laying in my RV, that is the farthest I get when escaping, I do not like to leave the perimeter of our lot. Gosh- that sounds pathetic- its not- its just a safet thing- my lot has a invisible kind of force field that makes me feel secure? Lord- I wish I could describe it better.
Ok so I am in the rv, crying hysterically, pleading with the universe to save me and it did, a thought came in through the woes of a pity party without any music (I couldn’t even watch tv- I was frozen) I thought I am regressing , then maybe I had a brain tumor- and then I remembered cognitive trade of hypothesis- My mind went to the years of lots of talking and selling over the phone when I worked at Citibank. I didn’t do any heavy thinking then. Nothing more then just social. that was the only thinking I did. I would go home be incredibly overstimulated- and I would drink. Vodka. At work, its not politically correct to drink booze on the job so I [took anti anxiety medication. Xanax. With that- I could work a day beautifully. Make sales goals, auto pilot- basically. There was no extensional thoughts really happening then. However, in the last three years my language skills have really dropped verbally- I feel like I process abstract ideas faster and recognize patterns faster. My memory still stinks and still takes me a long time to learn skills- But the ideas come faster and are more complex then they have ever been in my life.
I had a cognitive trade off on accident. By studying and researching daily- hours and hours and hours – I got smarter, but I sound like an idiot when I speak. It is getting very difficult for me. All my resources it feels goes to solving this autism stuff- and in the process I get more overstimulated faster now, I can’t be out in the world as long now.
I wasn’t given choice and I am kind of mad about that. I am not sure if I can have both. But I don’t want to give it up now that I have experienced it. Thinking is more interesting now, but I am way more lonely- I don’t encounter anyone who understands thinking ideas at this level .
SO anyway-after I thought of the cognitive trade off, my mind went directly to autism regression in toddlers and instantly the research articles I have over time flashed in my head- that’s it- all the pieces snap together click* click * click*
And I know that the world needs more awesome customer service reps like me, but don’t think the last twenty years I could have used this brain for something more? There is alot of brains just like mine out there just waiting to be turned on. And to keep doing things the way they have been is a huge waste in my opinion of really good brains. Honestly the best brains out there are being told that they aren’t good enough because they are too hyperactive or too sensitive about the tags in their shirts. How dumb is that? Your best brains you toss to the side because they require a little extra work- doesn’t that make sense? If someone has some unique traits they might have some unique negative traits as well?
No ones perfect. And no -you don’t talk in today’s world. Simple politeness will suffice.
Thank you to Tetsuro Matsuzawa at 8 minutes and 47 seconds in the video for pointing me in the right direction. Your words told me a thousand tales at that moment. Thank you for understanding and valuing communication in all its forms.
Oh and I was looking at google earth and Pakistan. It is so beautiful there. I thought Alaskan mountains were majestic, but they just don’t compare. I also viewed a shop and they sold wall clocks. I love wall clocks. I collect them. I really love the 360 images of all the countries that visit this site. I have seen some beautiful places I didn’t even know existed. Marshall islands looked like heaven. I could live on the beach and be perfectly happy. The sand and the salt on my skin is terrible for my sensory but the wind on my face, and the smell of salt air just makes wash away. I love nature. All nature. When I am in it, its like in stereo, I can hear everything, and smell everything. I don’t have to have my eyes open- its better if they are shut- I see better when they are shut. Its a beautiful experience. Non-divergents are missing out- its pretty cool.
5/24/2024
My boys are better and my Bantam Hen had chicks 🙂
Its Friday- I need to go return something at the store and I am dreading it. I also need to find money for ads for this site, and Advertising is expensive. I am failing at search engine optimization , I don’t like those wacky titles and crap they recommend for google searches and I don’t want to mislead by a title either.. I want to everyone to know about it, but I just can’t do the tik tok, Instagram- I am terrible at promoting myself or anything I have done, I wish I could do it and be invisible at the same time. I’m not good at talking without practicing forever- Verbal language is not my first language, visual pictures are – and I never have the right word come to mind for the picture my head, especially on the fly- I’m sorry but the words in written language just don’t do my thoughts justice- they are never good enough- I find the act of verbalizing a hassle and its annoying that non autistics require so many words to communicate.
Little Mama and her babies
For me- I get annoyed when I am asked questions on the fly – like what am I doing, whilst in the middle of thought- and then I have come to earth and find words that satisfy the questioner- I don’t like to talk sometimes. I don’t like stories with peoples names in it because I face blindness so I have no idea what your talking about- I actually think I’d be better off I got a email 2 days of advance of any questions asked so I could be prepared and participate. Like list of conversations that will occur in a party I was attending- I would come prepared. I like participate.
Oh and my sister in law, used the word “hold” when I started interrupting her (I am so bad at that I choose not conversate) and I really loved that. Frist because hold means verbally and visually to wait- but it doesn’t signify I won’t let you talk – or I am shutting you up- and It allowed me to relax because I know automatically that I need to wait which lets me relax to listen. I told her so, I really appreciated it.
Also I know genocide is strong word. But if we as autistics can’t go anywhere to ask for help- Not the police, Medical, Education system, or our own family and friends- we might as well be dead. If society doesn’t care if we are abused, imprisoned, physical discomfort, or bullied- and as a group you all do it collectively, in open, blatantly – THEN empathize with each other on how difficult we are, post it on social media, and then wear a t-shirt with a puzzle piece that says you care.
Why then should I care? It doesn’t matter if I’m friendly or in distress- the treatment is the same- why should I bother wasting cognitive resources on masking, if you are just going to do it anyway- and then dismiss me. Naw. I don’t think so.
5/21/2024
I have alot of anxiety today. I didn’t sleep well last night. Both my sons, they are 10 and 8 , had fevers. I don’t know why, but wow these ones are high this time. I was overstimulated all day, just from being on alert. This is when I helicopter parent. When I see them so uncomfortable it really effects my thinking. Not only is my mind flipping through every book , every sentence of every pediatric article I’ve read, making sure I don’t see anything that could indicate a emergency, I am encompassed by their sickness. It is like I am in their brain as well, feeling their fever with them. Its terrible. They are better today. Otto still has a sore throat but he is gaming on his tank game and Axel is playing on his. I got them oreo shakes from Denny’s. Their school requires them home fever free for 24 hours. And we have barely made ten. Hopefully we are past it. I should know better then to attempt big brain tasks on day like yesterday. As my rage seeping through yesterday text is indication. haha! I watched this video today, I liked the visuals that accompanied this video as well- tell me what you think-
The concept of power (unc.edu) by Robert Dahl PDF
5/20/2024
Both kids home sick today- stupid germs. And I noticed something again and I think it is worth noting. I get incredibly overstimulated to the point of agitation when attempting to learn something quickly that I do not like doing. I don’t like doing anything that requires a lot of steps. The more steps something has the least likely I will attempt to do it unless I have too. SO a lot of these software programs that are required in order to do web developing or graphic design require a infinite number of steps in order to do one thing it seems. As I sit here I get more and more squirmy, wiggly- creepy crawling skin – all at the same time trying to get the thing to do what I want.
I am sitting here attempting to learn premier pro to make a stupid video that my brain insists that I make at pro quality- omg- I get annoyed with myself. Its never enough to just haff ass it for me- no- I insist on creating what is in my fucking mind which usually requires years of college or education. So I force learn which makes me incredibly angry and overstimulated. I do it to myself and I simply cannot walk away and say its ok for it to be mediocre. No- I will sit here at my desk for hours until I get it exactly as it is in my fucking head. My house needs to be cleaned , I need another skill like I need a hole in my head. Seriously, I have a lot of skills for this reason. Is it good enough for me? Nope. I Need to learn MORE! , It is never… ever… enough learning here at my desk . I actually crave doing this torture. It drivers me nuts but I love it…
P.s. Adobe software is soooooooo frustrating, I swear I want pull my insides out over my head and run away. Thank you for listening.
5/19/2024 10:33pm Later that evening-
I know I said sleep was important but I got sleep last night and I’m not tired yet. Take a look at this map I’ve been working on–
First, I am ashamed to admit I didn’t even know some of your countries even existed. And island out at sea that people actually live on. Ignorance? Object permeance? I don’t know, but now I am fascinated. I am not surprised at the immense need out of India in regards to autism help. Going to street view and seeing how visually stimulating it is , in addition to navigating around people and obstacles could make someone incredibly overstimulated by mid morning! Sometimes looking down can reduce the overstimulation, or looking away – if its possible. Like if you take public transportation and you don’t have to see where your going. In addition to the noise and smells from cooking – anything additional is going to tire you out, maybe increase agitation and rage/anger – everything adds up in your day when it comes to your processing of your environment. (that’s why you don’t like change, it makes things hard for your brain- because your brain going to take in all the extra stuff that it might alternativity filter out if you were non autistic. The more extra crap you give your brain to do that isn’t necessary will take away from your ability use that smart brain of yours. We have to manage our energy and how we spend it. Is it worth it is always the question I ask myself and is there a way to modify it so it doesn’t use so much energy- someone else drive, or someone else make the decision and so on- My brain juice is valuable to me so I now guard it with my life. I want to use that IQ that was given to me so I need to use less energy compensating. So I use headphones, look down, limit my activities, make sure I eat, and try to get sleep— if I do those things my brain solves puzzles faster. You see?
oh and here is video of me and my daughter 12 years ago maybe.
5/19/2024 Elopement
It wasn’t until this month I realized I experienced elopement and in that realization, realized that I had been doing it all my life in one way or another. Now, I’ve shared that I have had a tough time, but this last three weeks have been a doozy. I can say without a doubt that I am autistic simply because even when I am in full meltdown my brain goes what are you feeling right now, lets analyze it- data first before myself, LOL. That sounds kind of of sad if you weren’t autistic , but it helps get me out of it quicker now then it ever did in my lifetime. I use these autistic traits to my advantage now purposefully. I know if I start doing my special interest I can hyperfocus to give myself a break, but this time I couldn’t. During a elopement episode a few weeks ago, my husband and I had a argument again- he has narcisstic personality disorder so he has terrible empathy skills and sometimes I react with a mouth full of words that aren’t nice and usually isn’t a good recipe for good communication. NPD I think can be treated like autism, in the sense of masking and cognitive load- so if he is tired his ability to mask is reduced just like mine.
Anyways, I texted my dad telling him I was going to leave my husband, and my dad blocked on his phone. So I text him from a different number and it goes through. Then my daughter calls me and tells me and says my mom is too stressed out to deal with me. Basically washed her hands of me I guess. She was unhappy with me because I was holding my boundaries. I didn’t want to talk, without talking about the past. It needs to be resolved.
Like Mom, I’m seriously autistic and your like whatever? GO kick rocks? Because you thought I was fine we are just gonna brush under the rug all the years of you telling me I was lazy, even writing me a contract at age 18, that if I didn’t do more as far participating in chores or whatever you would kick me and my cat out? I was working full time and going to community college. I was sleeping a lot , I was really tired. It takes a lot of work to compensate for as many impairments that I have. Its a long list Mom, you didn’t see it?
She didn’t want to talk about it. Too painful. For her. So- The past few weeks, it took me a bit to get to the grief part. Wow the rejection, words can’t express-
Anyways, this last elopement , I went to the lawyer and I called the cops on my husband. You know why? Because I came home and he was selling the chameleon enclosures that I previously gave him permission to sell, and he was doing it on the day I informed him I was done. At that moment my brain thinks if this man could sell my chameleon enclosures he capable of anything! (now my brain goes to every episode of dateline I’ve watched in a lifetime) My brain goes red alert and bam- JE SUIS FINI ! Right, then my passport came in the mail and I was gonna get on plane to somewhere, I hadn’t thought of it yet. Then after being at the lawyer’s office and the woman saying to me “you don’t look autistic” with a I’m sorry face- That is when I sent a rambling email to Professor Baron-Cohen to review my site.
I will say during elopement I will do things completely out of my comfort zone. Even emailing people. I don’t like to talk to people unless it is completely necessary. Not text, not email, nada- doing this blog feels like aimless typing because I don’t know any of you therefore you really don’t exist in mind. Object Permeance is severe for me- seriously if its not in front of me it does not exist. Do you know how many duplicates and triplicates of things I have. Its terrible.
I was punished a lot for my impairments so I am still working trough a lot of anxiety. I think it gets better however when I can identify it and then see the process in the brain. I have learned so much about the brain simply so I could visualize the pathways. I’m such a dork. I had brain posters up everywhere- just to keep seeing the systems to understand the psychology.
I found though cognition science is my go to. I love computers and the brain is so similar. I haven’t read this anywhere, but I think human memory is like a computers ram memory. so without significant memory or ram the brain processes just like computer processes don’t work. And sleep effectively charges the human brain memory , and something like overstimulation which could be equivalent lets say to static to a computer processing components, impairs the processing ability and reduces what the brain is capable of doing. Hence why its so important to reduce overstimulation as much as possible and in addition make sleep the most important thing in your life. Your bed is your charging block, it gives you the ability to overcome and make appropriate compensations throughout the day. Reduce overstimulation and now your brain works at full capacity. Now learning can happen. I didn’t know I could all the shit I am doing now. I was doing nothing for 26 years of my adult life- basic stuff and barely doing that. I never could have imagined my brain now. It zips.
And you know what else? I have taken so many those IQ tests and done shitty. My dad didn’t even want to test me, because my brother got tested and he was gifted, how about me? I read on reddit a month or a go about cogdna- and I had my ancestry DNA done ( by the way generations of military soldiers,- back even to England)
Anyways, It said my genetic IQ was 129. I believe that, most of its spent compensating – for what I can do , it makes sense. So I just use as many tools as I can find, and get it done. I don’t know any different then having double dyslexia, squirmy ADHD, with my data loving autism brain. I am perfectly fine, its just the world that is so unforgiving. Come on, why the strange looks and shit if someone makes a mistake or something.
Here is the thing- I am a old lady- I’ve been around the block. Everyone makes mistakes. I thought I was normal because honestly non autistics have it way worse then me. You guys have social constructs always in your face determing your decisions, who your friends with, how many likes and followers – and that’s where your value comes from.
You make mistakes all the time yet have made these rules for yourselves that mistakes weren’t ok. I am ok with sharing my mistakes to you. Your opinion of my mistakes does not determine my value. I learn from my mistakes. They are incredibly useful to me. I don’t care what your politics are, or the money your bank account. It is and will always be the quality of your character. That’s it. Anyone can turn their lives around and make change happen-
So I believe the world can change. I don’t think the bias can change without us as a community holding firm to our boundaries. Saying no I will not comprise myself, my thoughts, my behaviors, for anyone. Absolutely Not. I’ve already filled two complaints with the department of education and I am going start doing it to businesses that openly discriminate. Businesses don’t even hide it. They are betting on the system not believing us. That’s got to change.
I am not exaggerating- its terrible. The bias is out in the open and verbalized. They are not afraid to even visually show their displeasure of the autism. The face of people is gross when I tell them I am autistic. Everyone. Every single person I have encountered shows the same stupid face. Its like eww– your autistic- like I have disease or something. I did not think people were this ignorant my whole life, until I experienced this over and over for the past 3 years. I watch their face go from I am a normal middle aged woman to as soon as I say autistic- the face and eyes twist and contort in a contempt so gross – that’s the best word I can come up with, it makes me ill, sick to my stomach the face change. How the fuck did I lose value instantly? Fuck that.
What the fuck is autism supposed to look like? Why the fuck do think its ok to fucking say that to me? I’m sorry, why are feeling bad for me? I am glad I am autistic and I am even more glad I am not normal. Thank the Lord. Seriously, I can’t even imagine how much time I would waste socializing.
Random thoughts. Opinions of the mind.
Ongoing list. Take it or leave it.
4/17/2024
Autism is not a condition; it is a state of being. You either are, or you aren’t. Want to know if it is a disability? Imagine a world built by Autistics; what would it be like? Do you think a non-autistic could live in a world designed by Autistics for Autistics? No. They couldn’t. They would be unable to overcome their “social constructs” to function normally. I love to research 24/7, and I can work for days on end and be happy as a clam. Non-autistics take a lot of breaks and vacations, and they hate the required work schedule. The strict adherence to policy and procedure couples with soft shit everywhere.
How about a world built by ADHD’rs for ADHD humans? I know for sure my son would love a world with techno music on the radio, hobby stores everywhere, and the number one rule is never to walk up on a person in hyperfocus with a steep penalty of cleaning the dorm rooms of a local ADHD University students, where no one has to sit down to listen to a lecture. It’s just a giant room with a bunch of trampolines, with a giant Imax screen showing the professor’s face with huge closed captioning block letters on it , and everyone has headphones bouncing away learning…
I don’t think our non-autistic friends can see the big picture here. Autistics were designed this way. Adhd is a design, engineering, and Invention theory. Hello. Today, I introduce my Human Theory. To invent or create something with any human impact-
can we all agree that someone would have to spend many hours doing that one thing?
Can we all agree that getting something to work or proving a theory would require many revisions to perfect it?
There are so many hours in a day, and time moves very fast during the day when attempting to debug an idea, etc. Non-autistics are NOT going to spend every waking moment doing something for the greater good and forgo everything, including social, monetary, etc, to study one idea for years. Non-autistics are not equipt to do that. They are supposed to implement the invention or theory or whatever. You need social skills to get large groups of labourers to do a project. Somebody has to be the Project Foreman, leader, etc. Individuals with NPD typically honour those roles. An average person wouldn’t be interested in being President; he is at a barbecue at his neighbours for football. Then you have normal people doing normal things, which means people probably will get hurt, etc., and now we have nurses and doctors on the opposite side of the “Human Spectrum”, which I like to call it.
The one pattern I noticed while I attended college was how these so-called “disorders” (Autism, ADHD, etc.) listed had something unique attached to them. Dyslexia/Visual-Spatial ADHD/Hyperfocus Autism/ Sytemizing that isn’t a coincidence. For humans to evolve as a society, there would need to be specialized groups born to do certain things; otherwise, we would all be on TikTok making funny t-shirts.
Think of chameleons for example, veiled and panther, both chameleons, but different. Veiled chameleons thrive in South Florida; they are this perfect lime green colour that blends in perfectly. They have become an elusive species there. However, you won’t find any Panther chameleons there simply because they are just too colourful. They also are more sensitive to climate and humidity than Veiled Chameleons. Otherwise, they are seemingly the same lizard despite the visual confirmation of colour difference. Why would non-autistic humans believe they are the sole example of a baseline human? That there are no other “variations”? Science finds a way; Jeff Goldblum taught us that.
I have never seen a genetically perfect human raised in an ideal environment for maximum potential. To have a baseline, we need to know that person wherever they are. To make a fair determination that non-autistics are indeed normal. I need proof.
What about this ABA therapy? Who allowed you to go inside our brains and try and change them? I am horrified at the thought of who I would be if I were born in the last 20 years. I would be in therapies up the wazoo! I didn’t talk. I drank Drano under the sink! I suffered elopement. I didn’t like to be touched.
I am here to tell you that, at age 48, you don’t have to talk to survive!! How many generations of autistics will be affected by the damage caused by ABA therapies? The reason there are so many autistics now is because LOOK AROUND. There is so much noise and just stuff everywhere, all the time! It’s sensory overload. It’s not rocket science. And then you don’t give these kids time to develop. We are just slow because of that brain growth; all the connectivity has to catch up and manage the sensory shit. We aren’t DESIGNED to be social. Someone has to stay home and invent the stuff, ok?
All the sameness and need for predictability are so we can spend more time INVENTING! We should not worry about how our faces look. Thinking about details like eating and clothing wastes time and is better spent researching and investigating things. Plus, our design makes it more efficient for the brain to do this.The autistic brain uses systemizing for efficiency and if properly allowed to do so can do amazing things. If you allow the ADHD brain to do its way, imagine the greatness we could see. If we nourished these children for the gifts they provide then maybe we might get to live on the Moon.
Rant over, I need to eat. – Christina