Autistic individuals are not side show exhibits to monetize.
Achievement by Proxy: Understanding and Addressing a Harmful Behavior
“Achievement by proxy” is a term I invented to describe the act of taking credit for someone else’s accomplishments. This behavior often occurs in relationships where one party, such as a friend, parent, or spouse, claims that the achiever could not have succeeded without their support or influence. Understanding the motivations behind achievement by proxy and its detrimental effects on both the perpetrator and the victim is crucial for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth.
Definition of “By Proxy”
The term “by proxy” refers to the authority to act on behalf of someone else. In the context of achievements, it implies that the credit for accomplishments is claimed by someone who assisted or supported the achiever, often overshadowing the actual effort and success of the individual.
What Achievement by Proxy Says About the Perpetrator
Insecurity
Explanation: Individuals who engage in achievement by proxy often struggle with their own sense of self-worth and competence. By attaching themselves to another person’s success, they attempt to boost their own self-esteem.
Behavior: This may manifest as frequent boasting about their role in others’ achievements or downplaying the efforts of the actual achiever.
Narcissism
Explanation: Narcissistic individuals have an excessive need for admiration and validation. Taking credit for others’ successes provides them with the recognition and praise they crave.
Behavior: They often dominate conversations about achievements, making it about their contributions rather than acknowledging the actual achiever.
Control and Manipulation
Explanation: Some individuals use achievement by proxy as a means to exert control over the achiever, reinforcing a power dynamic where the achiever feels indebted or dependent.
Behavior: This can include reminding the achiever of their supposed contributions in moments of conflict or to manipulate the achiever’s decisions.
Ulterior Motives
Explanation: Helping someone should come from the goodness of helping, not from a desire for control or manipulation. When help is offered with ulterior motives, it becomes about maintaining influence over the person being helped.
Behavior: Such individuals might frequently highlight their assistance to keep the achiever feeling obligated or dependent.
Why Achievement by Proxy Is Unhealthy for Both Parties
Impact on the Achiever
Loss of Self-Worth: The achiever’s sense of accomplishment is undermined, leading to feelings of inadequacy and diminished self-esteem.
Emotional Distress: Persistent achievement by proxy can cause frustration, resentment, and even depression or anxiety in the achiever.
Hindered Growth: When achievements are not fully recognized, the achiever may doubt their capabilities, stifling their personal and professional development.
Impact on the Perpetrator
Reinforcement of Negative Traits: Engaging in achievement by proxy perpetuates insecurity and narcissistic behaviors, preventing the perpetrator from addressing their underlying issues.
Relationship Strain: This behavior often leads to tension and conflict within relationships, as the achiever feels undervalued and manipulated.
Lack of Authentic Connection: By focusing on appropriating others’ successes, the perpetrator misses out on forming genuine, supportive relationships based on mutual respect and recognition.
Addressing Achievement by Proxy
For the Achiever
Assertive Communication: Clearly and calmly communicate the importance of recognizing individual contributions. Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming.
Seeking Support: Engage with supportive friends, family members, or professional counselors who can validate the achiever’s feelings and experiences.
Documenting Achievements: Keep a detailed record of personal accomplishments to reinforce self-worth and provide evidence of individual efforts.
For the Perpetrator
Self-Reflection: Encourage self-reflection to understand the motivations behind their behavior and acknowledge its impact on others.
Professional Help: Seek therapy or counseling to address underlying insecurities, narcissistic tendencies, or control issues.
Promoting Healthy Recognition: Practice giving genuine recognition and praise to others, focusing on their achievements without seeking personal validation.
Conclusion
Achievement by proxy undermines the true value of individual accomplishments and damages relationships. By understanding the psychological motivations behind this behavior and its detrimental effects, both perpetrators and victims can take steps to foster healthier, more supportive relationships. Recognizing and addressing achievement by proxy is essential for personal growth and maintaining the integrity of individual achievements.
Memory Mismatch: Navigating Cognitive Dissonance in Autistic-Non-Autistic Dialogues
“ It’s important for non-autistic individuals to acknowledge the strong memory retention in autistic people and consider it in their interactions, while autistic individuals might benefit from understanding that non-autistic people’s memories can change over time due to their psychological mechanisms.“
Cognitive Dissonance 101
How was Cognitive Dissonance Discovered?
Leon Festinger was a pioneering psychologist whose cognitive dissonance theory has profoundly impacted social psychology. Introduced in 1957, his theory was a groundbreaking discovery that addressed the psychological tension that arises from holding conflicting beliefs and values or engaging in behaviour that contradicts one’s self-concept. Festinger posited that individuals have an inherent desire for internal consistency. When confronted with inconsistencies among beliefs or behaviours, they experience psychological discomfort, known as cognitive dissonance. To alleviate this discomfort, people are motivated to reduce the dissonance by changing their beliefs, justifying their behaviour, or adopting new attitudes. This theory broadened our understanding of human psychology and provided insight into the mechanisms behind decision-making and attitude change. Festinger’s work has had a lasting influence, shaping subsequent research and applications in various domains, including decision-making, education, and behavioural change interventions.
How does cognitive dissonance happen in the brain?
The brain’s handling of cognitive dissonance is complex and involves several areas and processes:
Discomfort and Arousal: When cognitive dissonance occurs, it is often accompanied by psychological discomfort. This discomfort is believed to stem from the anterior cingulate cortex, a brain region involved in error detection, expectation of rewards, and emotional regulation.
Resolution and Rationalization: To reduce this discomfort, individuals engage in cognitive processes that try to reduce the inconsistency. This can involve rationalizing, denying, or even ignoring the conflicting information. The prefrontal cortex, involved in complex behaviours, including planning and personality development, plays a vital role in this rationalization process.
Change in Attitudes or Beliefs: Sometimes, to alleviate dissonance, people might change their attitudes, beliefs, or actions. This change process involves neural pathways associated with decision-making and reward, such as the orbitofrontal cortex.
Memory and Selective Recall: The brain may also engage in selective recall, emphasizing memories or information that align with the current belief and ignoring those that don’t. This is linked to the functioning of the hippocampus, the brain region involved in memory.
Emotional Regulation: The amygdala, which plays a crucial role in emotion and motivation, can also be involved, particularly when cognitive dissonance has a vital emotional component.
Examples of Cognitive Dissonance
Health-Related Behaviors: A smoker who knows that smoking is bad for health but continues to smoke may experience cognitive dissonance. They might rationalize their behaviour by thinking they can offset the effects with other healthy behaviours to reduce this discomfort.
Environmental Concerns vs. Lifestyle: An environmentally conscious individual driving a gas-guzzling car might experience dissonance. They might resolve this by minimizing the perceived impact of their car or overemphasizing their other environmentally friendly actions.
Political Beliefs and Voting: A voter might experience cognitive dissonance if they support a political ideology but agree with a policy from an opposing viewpoint. They might avoid information about the opposing view to reduce dissonance or rationalize their support as a one-time exception.
Workplace Ethics: Employees who value honesty but work for a company that engages in unethical practices may experience cognitive dissonance. They might reduce this discomfort by justifying the practices necessary for business success or distancing themselves emotionally from their work.
Social Relationships and Group Behavior: People often experience cognitive dissonance in social settings. For instance, if someone values inclusivity but finds themselves in a group that excludes others, they might experience dissonance. They may resolve this by changing their view of the group or by denying the exclusionary behaviour.
Understanding Memory Differences in Autistic and Non-Autistic Communication
Cognitive dissonance can significantly impact communication between autistic and non-autistic individuals, often due to differing memory perceptions and social cognitive mechanisms. Autistic individuals typically possess strong memory skills in specific areas, including the ability to recall details of events accurately and consistently over time. This contrasts with non-autistic individuals, who might experience memory shifts due to cognitive dissonance. In social situations, non-autistic people often unconsciously alter their memories to reduce discomfort caused by inconsistencies between their actions and beliefs. For example, they might remember a conflict with less severity or reshape the details to better align with their self-image or societal expectations.
This discrepancy can lead to misunderstandings in communication. An autistic person may insist on the accuracy of their detailed memory, while a non-autistic person may not recall the event with the same clarity or may have revised their memory, whether consciously or subconsciously, to cope with cognitive dissonance. Such situations can lead to feelings of being gaslighted for the autistic individual, as the non-autistic person’s account of past events might contradict the autistic person’s precise memories, making them question their reality.
Both autistic and non-autistic individuals need to be aware of these differences in processing and memory recall. Recognizing that cognitive dissonance can affect how memories are recalled and discussed can help in fostering better understanding and communication. It’s important for non-autistic individuals to acknowledge the strong memory retention in autistic people and consider it in their interactions, while autistic individuals might benefit from understanding that non-autistic people’s memories can change over time due to their psychological mechanisms. Such awareness can reduce potential conflicts and aid in building more effective and respectful communication.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person leads another to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. This can be particularly impactful in interactions between autistic and non-autistic individuals due to their differing experiences and ways of processing information.
1. Differences in Memory and Perception:
Autistic individuals often have detailed, precise memories, especially for events or conversations that are significant to them. Non-autistic individuals, on the other hand, might not recall events with the same level of detail and may unconsciously alter their memories due to cognitive dissonance, a natural tendency to reshape memories to reduce psychological discomfort. When these differing recollections of events are discussed, a non-autistic person might, unintentionally or intentionally, suggest that the autistic person’s detailed and specific recollection is wrong. This can lead the autistic individual to doubt their memory, especially if they are not aware of the concept of gaslighting.
2. Social Understanding and Theory of Mind:
Autistic individuals may have challenges with “theory of mind” — the ability to recognize and understand the thoughts, beliefs, desires, and intentions of others. This can make it difficult for them to discern whether someone is being manipulative or genuinely misremembers an event. Without this awareness, autistic individuals may be more susceptible to gaslighting because they might accept the other person’s account as a plausible alternative to their own memories.
3. Communication Styles:
Autistic individuals often prefer and rely on straightforward and literal communication. If a non-autistic person uses more nuanced or emotionally manipulative communication techniques, the autistic individual might not recognize the underlying intentions. This can lead to misinterpretations and further exacerbate feelings of confusion and self-doubt.
4. Implications of Repeated Gaslighting:
Repeated experiences of gaslighting can lead to significant emotional distress for autistic individuals. It can erode their confidence in their memory and perception, contributing to increased anxiety, depression, and isolation. It’s crucial for both autistic and non-autistic individuals to be aware of these dynamics to avoid harmful interactions and foster more respectful and understanding relationships.
Prevention and Awareness:
Education and awareness about the different ways autistic and non-autistic people perceive and remember events are crucial. Both parties should strive for clear, respectful communication and seek to understand the other’s perspective without overriding it. Autistic individuals can be taught about gaslighting and how to recognize it, which can empower them to assert their perceptions and seek clarification when discrepancies in communication occur. Meanwhile, non-autistic individuals should be mindful of the potential impact of their words and remember that their recollection of events may not always align with others’ experiences due to natural cognitive biases.
