Tag Archives: relationship dynamics

Autism

Achievement by Proxy

2 Comments

Autistic individuals are not side show exhibits to monetize.

Achievement by Proxy: Understanding and Addressing a Harmful Behavior

“Achievement by proxy” is a term I invented to describe the act of taking credit for someone else’s accomplishments. This behavior often occurs in relationships where one party, such as a friend, parent, or spouse, claims that the achiever could not have succeeded without their support or influence. Understanding the motivations behind achievement by proxy and its detrimental effects on both the perpetrator and the victim is crucial for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth.

Definition of “By Proxy”

The term “by proxy” refers to the authority to act on behalf of someone else. In the context of achievements, it implies that the credit for accomplishments is claimed by someone who assisted or supported the achiever, often overshadowing the actual effort and success of the individual.

What Achievement by Proxy Says About the Perpetrator

  1. Insecurity
    • Explanation: Individuals who engage in achievement by proxy often struggle with their own sense of self-worth and competence. By attaching themselves to another person’s success, they attempt to boost their own self-esteem.
    • Behavior: This may manifest as frequent boasting about their role in others’ achievements or downplaying the efforts of the actual achiever.
  2. Narcissism
    • Explanation: Narcissistic individuals have an excessive need for admiration and validation. Taking credit for others’ successes provides them with the recognition and praise they crave.
    • Behavior: They often dominate conversations about achievements, making it about their contributions rather than acknowledging the actual achiever.
  3. Control and Manipulation
    • Explanation: Some individuals use achievement by proxy as a means to exert control over the achiever, reinforcing a power dynamic where the achiever feels indebted or dependent.
    • Behavior: This can include reminding the achiever of their supposed contributions in moments of conflict or to manipulate the achiever’s decisions.
  4. Ulterior Motives
    • Explanation: Helping someone should come from the goodness of helping, not from a desire for control or manipulation. When help is offered with ulterior motives, it becomes about maintaining influence over the person being helped.
    • Behavior: Such individuals might frequently highlight their assistance to keep the achiever feeling obligated or dependent.

Why Achievement by Proxy Is Unhealthy for Both Parties

  1. Impact on the Achiever
    • Loss of Self-Worth: The achiever’s sense of accomplishment is undermined, leading to feelings of inadequacy and diminished self-esteem.
    • Emotional Distress: Persistent achievement by proxy can cause frustration, resentment, and even depression or anxiety in the achiever.
    • Hindered Growth: When achievements are not fully recognized, the achiever may doubt their capabilities, stifling their personal and professional development.
  2. Impact on the Perpetrator
    • Reinforcement of Negative Traits: Engaging in achievement by proxy perpetuates insecurity and narcissistic behaviors, preventing the perpetrator from addressing their underlying issues.
    • Relationship Strain: This behavior often leads to tension and conflict within relationships, as the achiever feels undervalued and manipulated.
    • Lack of Authentic Connection: By focusing on appropriating others’ successes, the perpetrator misses out on forming genuine, supportive relationships based on mutual respect and recognition.

Addressing Achievement by Proxy

  1. For the Achiever
    • Assertive Communication: Clearly and calmly communicate the importance of recognizing individual contributions. Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming.
    • Seeking Support: Engage with supportive friends, family members, or professional counselors who can validate the achiever’s feelings and experiences.
    • Documenting Achievements: Keep a detailed record of personal accomplishments to reinforce self-worth and provide evidence of individual efforts.
  2. For the Perpetrator
    • Self-Reflection: Encourage self-reflection to understand the motivations behind their behavior and acknowledge its impact on others.
    • Professional Help: Seek therapy or counseling to address underlying insecurities, narcissistic tendencies, or control issues.
    • Promoting Healthy Recognition: Practice giving genuine recognition and praise to others, focusing on their achievements without seeking personal validation.

Conclusion

Achievement by proxy undermines the true value of individual accomplishments and damages relationships. By understanding the psychological motivations behind this behavior and its detrimental effects, both perpetrators and victims can take steps to foster healthier, more supportive relationships. Recognizing and addressing achievement by proxy is essential for personal growth and maintaining the integrity of individual achievements.

Masking

High Masking Males

2 Comments

The Hidden Struggle: Unveiling the High Masking Male

High masking, particularly among males, encompasses a spectrum of behaviors and experiences deeply rooted in the desire to align with societal expectations. This detailed exploration sheds light on the intricacies of being a high-masking male, revealing the emotional, social, and psychological dimensions that often remain hidden beneath the surface. From emotional regulation and social adaptability to the professional facade and internal conflicts, the article navigates through the various aspects of high masking. It underscores the importance of understanding and supporting individuals who mask, advocating for environments where authenticity is accepted and celebrated. Readers are invited to appreciate the complexity of high masking and the critical need for awareness, acceptance, and action in fostering a more inclusive society.

The Art of Emotional Camouflage

Internal Chaos, External Calm: The high masking male experiences a daily paradox—his external demeanor seldom reflects his inner turmoil. While he may navigate a torrent of emotions privately, his public face is unrivalled composure. This self-regulation is taxing yet crucial; it’s his way of maintaining social acceptance and adhering to societal expectations of emotional strength, particularly in men. The constant vigilance over emotional expression can be draining, contributing to a significant emotional burden that may go unnoticed by others.

Mastery of Social Alchemy

Chameleon-like Social Skills: Despite potential natural difficulties with social nuances, a high masking male can be a social alchemist—transforming and adapting to fit the social landscape around him. His learning curve in social situations has led to a developed observation and imitation skill set. He may engage in detailed rehearsals for everyday interactions, crafting responses and modulating his tone to match the expected social script. This meticulous attention to social detail can be a hallmark of neurodivergence, where the unspoken rules of engagement are not instinctive but learned behaviors.

Societal Molds of Masculinity

Conforming to Expectation: There’s an unspoken code of masculinity that permeates many cultures—a set of attributes and behaviours stereotypically associated with being male. The high masking male is acutely aware of these standards and often feels compelled to fit this mold, even when it contradicts his genuine self. In suppressing parts of his identity that he fears may be ridiculed or rejected, he forgoes the expression of a full spectrum of interests, emotions, and traits that don’t align with traditional male stereotypes.

Deliberate Dialogue

Strategic Communication Tactics: Communication is often a game of chess for the high-masking male. He plans his moves carefully, thinking several steps ahead to anticipate the flow of conversation. This strategic approach may serve him well in professional or academic settings where effective communication is paramount. However, it can also lead to a sense of disconnection from spontaneous, genuine dialogue, making interactions feel transactional rather than relational.

Professional Persona vs. Personal Authenticity

The Workplace Facade: In the workplace, the high-masking male shines by embodying the epitome of a model employee or student—often over-prepared, exceedingly professional, and perpetually on-point. While successful in achieving accolades and career progression, this persona is meticulously curated, often at the expense of personal authenticity. The disparity between his professional image and his true self can lead to a sense of alienation and identity confusion.

The Internal Battle

The Cost of Concealment: Continual self-monitoring and adjustment come at a cost. The high-masking male may grapple with anxiety, depression, or a profound sense of isolation as a result of his relentless self-suppression. This internal struggle is heightened by the dichotomy between who he is and who he feels he needs to be to be accepted and successful, particularly if he is neurodivergent.

Connecting on a Deeper Level

Challenges in Intimacy: Building close, personal relationships is a complex endeavour for the high-masking male. Intimacy requires lowering the mask, which he has learned to keep firmly in place. This can result in relationships that lack depth and understanding, as partners may only see the facade rather than the person behind it.

The Mental Load of Masking

Cognitive Fatigue: The mental effort required to maintain constant alertness and performative behaviour is substantial. High-masking individuals often experience cognitive overload and burnout, needing periods of solitude or disengagement to recover from social exertion.

Coping with the Masquerade

Developing Personal Coping Strategies: Various coping mechanisms are employed to handle the stress of masking. These can range from positive activities like engaging in creative pursuits or physical exercise to negative behaviours such as substance abuse or withdrawal.

Evolving Self-Perception

Continuous Self-Monitoring: A high-masking male is often acutely aware of his self-presentation. He might constantly fine-tune his actions and reactions in response to feedback or perceived expectations, leading to an ever-evolving sense of self that rarely feels stable or authentic.

In recognizing the traits of a high-masking male, we open the door to understanding the complexities of neurodivergence and the pressures of societal conformity. It’s essential to foster environments where authenticity is celebrated and individuals are not compelled to hide their true selves to feel accepted and successful.

Unmasking Well-being: Health Strategies for High Maskers

In a world where fitting in often means hiding one’s true self, the high-masking male faces unique challenges. Masking, especially prevalent among neurodivergent individuals, can have profound mental and physical health implications. However, there are strategies to mitigate these effects and promote well-being. By incorporating restorative practices like power naps, mindful meditation, and mindful eating, high maskers can cope with the demands of masking and embrace a more authentic life.

The Hidden Health Cost of Masking

Masking can lead to chronic stress, exhaustion, and even burnout. The constant vigilance required to monitor and adjust one’s behavior to align with societal expectations can take a toll on both the mind and body. This perpetual state of high alert can lead to overstimulation and emotional fatigue, which, over time, can diminish one’s physical health and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and depression.

Rest and Recharge: The Power Nap Advantage

One of the most effective strategies for combating the exhaustion associated with masking is the power nap. Short, restorative sleep sessions can bolster cognitive function, improve mood, and increase alertness. For the high masking male, scheduling regular power naps during the day—particularly during periods of increased stress or cognitive load—can provide a much-needed mental reset, reducing the cumulative impact of daily masking efforts.

Mindful Meditation: The Art of Presence

Mindful meditation is another powerful tool. It encourages individuals to focus on the present moment, cultivate awareness of their thoughts and feelings, and create a sense of calm and clarity. For those who mask, mindful meditation can offer a reprieve from the ongoing internal dialogue about how to act or respond in social situations. It can also reduce the heightened stress response that masking often produces, leading to improved emotional regulation and reduced anxiety levels.

Nourishment for the Mind: Mindful Eating

Mindful eating is about being fully present during meals, savouring each bite, and listening to the body’s hunger and fullness cues. For the high-masking individual, meals can become just another task to rush through. However, by practising mindful eating, one can turn mealtime into a therapeutic ritual that nourishes both the body and mind. This practice can also anchor the day, a regular event about enjoyment and self-care rather than performance.

Building a Sustainable Routine

Incorporating these strategies into daily life requires routine. High maskers benefit from the predictability and structure that routines provide. A consistent schedule that includes time for power naps, meditation, and mindful eating can be the framework for a healthier, more balanced life.

Seeking Support

High maskers need to recognize that they are not alone in their experiences. Seeking support from therapists, support groups, or online communities can provide validation and shared strategies for managing masking demands. These support systems can also encourage regular self-care practices.

Embracing Authenticity

Ultimately, these strategies are not just about coping with the effects of masking; they’re about moving towards a life of greater authenticity. Each nap, each moment of mindfulness, and each mindful meal is a step towards honouring one’s needs and reducing the reliance on masking. Over time, these practices can contribute to empowerment and self-acceptance.

In a society that often demands conformity, finding ways to reduce the strain of masking and promote genuine well-being is crucial. Through intentional practices and supportive communities, high maskers can reclaim their health and, in the process, find greater freedom to be their true selves.

Personality Traits

Conscientiousness

Leave a comment

The Impact of Conscientiousness: Understanding a Key Personality Trait in the Big Five Model

Conscientiousness is one of the five major personality traits in the Five Factor Model theory (also known as the Big Five personality traits), including openness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. It refers to the degree to which a person is responsible, organized, perseverant, and motivated by inner goals. Conscientious individuals tend to display various behaviors and characteristics that influence their work, relationships, and personal lives in distinct and often positive ways.

Key Characteristics and Behaviors

  1. Organization: Conscientious people are often very organized. They like to plan, keep their spaces tidy, and manage their time effectively. They often make lists, set goals, and follow schedules to stay on track.
  2. Diligence and Hard Work: They are known for their strong work ethic. Conscientious individuals are willing to put in extra effort to ensure that a job is done to the best of their ability. They are persistent and dedicated, often going above and beyond what is required of them.
  3. Dependability: One of the hallmarks of conscientiousness is reliability. These individuals are seen as dependable and trustworthy, consistently meeting deadlines and fulfilling their commitments and responsibilities.
  4. Prudence: Conscientious people think their actions through and consider the consequences before acting. They are cautious and not prone to taking unnecessary risks. This prudence helps them make sound decisions in their personal and professional lives.
  5. Goal-Oriented: They are highly goal-oriented, often setting and striving to achieve long-term goals. Their focus on the future helps them make sacrifices in the present to benefit their long-term objectives.
  6. Self-Discipline and Impulse Control: Conscientious individuals often have high levels of self-discipline and the ability to control impulses. They can resist temptations that might distract them from their goals or tasks.
  7. Achievement-Oriented: Motivated by a strong sense of duty and purpose, conscientious people strive for excellence and take pride in achieving their goals. Their achievement orientation often leads to success in various domains, including education, career, and personal projects.

Implications

The presence of conscientiousness can have profound implications on an individual’s life:

  • Professional Success: Conscientiousness is often linked to success in the workplace due to the traits of reliability, hard work, and goal orientation. It can lead to higher job performance ratings and career advancement.
  • Personal Relationships: In personal relationships, being conscientious means being a reliable and thoughtful partner, friend, or family member. These individuals are often appreciated for their dependability and commitment.
  • Health and Well-Being: Research suggests that conscientious individuals tend to lead healthier lives, possibly because they are more likely to engage in healthy behaviors and less likely to take risks. They have better stress management strategies and generally report higher levels of well-being.

Limitations

While conscientiousness is generally seen as a positive trait, extremely high levels can sometimes lead to issues such as perfectionism, which can cause stress and anxiety. Moreover, highly conscientious individuals might struggle in environments that require high levels of flexibility and spontaneity.

In conclusion, conscientiousness is a complex and broadly beneficial personality trait, characterized by organization, diligence, dependability, and a goal-oriented approach to life. Understanding and nurturing this trait can lead to numerous benefits in personal development, relationships, and professional success.

Resources

2017 Personality 20: Biology & Traits: Orderliness/Disgust/Conscientiousness

In this lecture, I provide details about trait conscientiousness, the best predictor of life success after intelligence (particularly among managers, administrators and students). Sounds good? But conscientiousness is partly composed of aspect orderliness, along with industriousness, and orderliness is associated both with disgust and with authoritarianism (particularly among those low in openness to experience).

Conscientiousness in Neurodiversity

In neurodivergent individuals, such as those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), traits associated with conscientiousness can be particularly pronounced and manifest as strong preferences for routines, schedules, and structured environments. These traits are not merely preferences but are often necessary coping mechanisms that enable individuals to navigate their day-to-day lives. They provide predictability in a world that can often feel overwhelming due to sensory sensitivities or difficulties with social communication and unpredictability.

  • Routine and Schedules: Many neurodivergent individuals rely on routines and schedules to provide a sense of stability and security. This reliance on predictability helps manage anxiety and prepare mentally for upcoming tasks or changes in their environment.
  • Attention to Detail: Neurodivergent individuals may also exhibit a high level of attention to detail, a trait associated with conscientiousness. This can lead to exceptional performance in tasks that require precision but may also result in challenges when flexibility or a “big picture” perspective is needed.
  • Dependability: The conscientiousness trait of being dependable is often seen in neurodivergent individuals, who may take commitments and instructions very seriously, striving to meet expectations to the best of their ability.

Societal Perceptions and Challenges

While conscientiousness is generally viewed positively in many contexts, such as academics and certain job environments, societal perceptions can sometimes cast the manifestations of conscientiousness in neurodivergent individuals in a less favorable light. This is particularly evident in environments that prioritize flexibility, multitasking, and rapid adaptability—areas where individuals who thrive on routine and predictability may struggle.

  • Misinterpretation of Needs: The need for routines and schedules can be misunderstood as inflexibility or unwillingness to adapt, rather than as a necessary strategy for managing one’s environment and well-being.
  • Pathologization of Behavior: In some cases, behaviors stemming from conscientiousness in neurodivergent individuals—such as a focus on routines or a detailed approach to tasks—are pathologized or seen as symptomatic of their neurodivergence, rather than being recognized as expressions of their personality.
  • Social and Occupational Impact: These societal perceptions can impact social relationships and occupational opportunities. For instance, the workplace might undervalue the strengths that neurodivergent individuals bring through their conscientious traits, focusing instead on their challenges with flexibility and change.

Moving Forward

Recognizing and appreciating the unique manifestations of conscientiousness in neurodivergent individuals involves a shift in societal understanding and attitudes. There’s a need for greater awareness that the routines, schedules, and structured approaches preferred by many neurodivergent individuals are not limitations but are part of their strategy for engaging effectively with the world. By valuing these traits and adapting environments to better suit diverse needs, society can leverage the strengths of neurodivergent individuals, leading to more inclusive and supportive communities and workplaces. This involves acknowledging that conscientiousness, like all personality traits, can offer significant advantages when its expression is understood and supported appropriately.