Monthly Archives: June 2024

Masking

Masking: A Social Rule

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The Masking Rule: A Call for Authenticity in Society

The Unspoken Rule of Masking

In our society, masking has become an unspoken rule that everyone follows to some extent. This behavior, deeply ingrained in our social fabric, is the result of norms established by non-autistic individuals. For autistics, however, this rule feels foreign and uncomfortable. Unlike non-autistics, autistics don’t innately feel the need to hide their true interior because social constructs do not determine their behavior. Instead, they are guided by their personal will, doing as they please and feeling uneasy when forced to pretend and play along with societal expectations.

The Discomfort of Masking for Autistics

Masking, to many autistics, feels like lying. It goes against their nature, as they value honesty and transparency. For example, an autistic person might struggle with the expectation to smile and engage in small talk at a social gathering, finding it disingenuous and exhausting. This tendency to mask is rooted in a societal lack of accountability for personal actions. At the grocery store, at work, and in various social situations, we mask to be liked and included. This inclusion often hinges on conforming to others’ expectations of how we should act and behave, creating a cycle where personal preferences dictate acceptance.

The Societal Debate on Masking

Currently, society is engaged in a debate about the levels and rules of masking. Who should mask? When and where is it appropriate? Why do we do it? These questions arise because there is no universal agreement on the rules of masking. Each individual has their own preferences and expectations, leading to a lack of understanding and acceptance. For instance, at work, some might expect constant politeness and enthusiasm, while others might be more accepting of genuine expressions of frustration or fatigue.

Changing the Rules

But what if we changed the rules? What if we collectively decided that it’s okay to make mistakes, to say the wrong thing, or to have a bad day? What if we accepted that it’s okay to get a bad grade or be late to work? By lowering our expectations of each other and raising our acceptance, we can create a more inclusive society. Imagine a student who fails a test but is supported and encouraged to learn from the experience rather than being shamed. Or a colleague who admits they are having a tough day and is met with understanding rather than criticism.

Encouraging Authenticity

When we peel away the layers of masks accumulated over years, we reveal our truest selves. It’s okay to have many layers—everyone does. Perhaps it’s time for a new rule: unmask and be your true self. Imagine a team-building activity between autistics and non-autistics, where we encourage each other to drop the masks and embrace our genuine selves. By fostering an environment of understanding and acceptance, we can build a society that values authenticity over conformity.

A New Societal Norm

Together, let’s create a world where everyone feels comfortable being who they truly are, without the pressure to mask. Let’s make it okay to show our true interior, to make mistakes, and to be imperfect. Because when we do, we find that the truest version of ourselves is not only acceptable but truly remarkable. By embracing this new norm, we can move towards a society that values each person’s unique qualities and contributions, making it a better place for everyone.

Autism

Faces Lie

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Faces Lie: Why I Don’t Look at Faces

From a young age, neurodivergent individuals, particularly those on the autism spectrum, often develop a unique perspective on social interactions and communication. One behavior that frequently draws attention and misunderstanding is the tendency to avoid looking at faces. This behavior is commonly misinterpreted as a lack of interest or an inability to engage socially. However, the reality is far more complex and deeply rooted in the nuanced ways we process and respond to visual and emotional information. This article delves into the reasons behind this behavior, challenges common misconceptions, and highlights the importance of direct and honest communication.

The Disconnect Between Words and Faces

One of the primary reasons neurodivergent individuals avoid looking at faces is the frequent inconsistency between what people say and what their facial expressions convey. For example, someone might insist that “nothing is wrong” while their face shows clear signs of distress. These mixed signals create confusion and frustration. For many autistic individuals, this disconnect becomes apparent early in life, leading them to distrust facial expressions that do not match spoken words.

The Importance of Internal Understanding

Many neurodivergent individuals, including myself, have a highly visual internal world. Our understanding and interpretation of the external world heavily rely on visual consistency. When examining our surroundings, we need to ensure that they match our internal visual representation. This process extends to understanding people and their emotions. If faces do not align with the spoken word, they lose their credibility and relevance. Thus, focusing on faces becomes less interesting and more of a distraction from seeking the underlying truth.

The Inefficiency of Lies

When people lie about their feelings, it wastes our effort in trying to decipher their true emotions through facial expressions. This is particularly frustrating when neurodivergent individuals are often punished or reprimanded for noticing and pointing out these discrepancies. As a result, many of us choose to divert our attention away from faces, seeking more reliable and consistent sources of information. This decision is not about a lack of empathy or social disinterest but rather a logical response to a perceived inefficiency in social communication.

Why Faces Become Uninteresting

The lack of transparency in facial expressions leads to disinterest in looking at faces. The inability to break down and understand the truth behind these expressions makes them less engaging. We prefer honesty and directness in communication, and when someone’s face says one thing while their words say another, it is seen as dishonest and not worth the effort to decipher. This preference for straightforward communication aligns with our need for clarity and consistency.

Personal Experience of Misinterpretation

This is my personal experience, and it is compounded by the fact that my own expressions are often dissected and my emotions inferred by non-autistics. When I attempt to interpret their expressions and emotions, I am frequently told that I am wrong or misled. This double standard is perplexing and frustrating. If my interpretations are deemed incorrect, then the same scrutiny should apply to the interpretations of my expressions by others. The inconsistency in how our expressions are evaluated makes little sense and adds to the difficulty of engaging with facial expressions.

Misinterpretations of Autistic Behavior

Recent studies, such as the one on abnormal visual perception in autism, highlight significant differences in how autistic individuals process visual information. These differences are often misinterpreted as social deficits. For instance, what might appear as aimless visual exploration is, in reality, a methodical process of examining the external world to ensure it matches the internal visual picture. The tendency to avoid looking at faces is not due to a lack of social interest but a logical response to the frequent dishonesty observed in facial expressions.

Social Implications

This disinterest in faces can lead to misunderstandings in social interactions, especially in a world where neurotypical people expect facial expressions to be a fundamental part of communication. Neurodivergent individuals, however, prioritize direct communication and consistency between words and actions. Understanding these different priorities can help foster more inclusive and effective communication practices.

Conclusion

Not looking at faces is a rational response to the inconsistencies and dishonesty often observed in facial expressions. For neurodivergent individuals, this behavior is rooted in a preference for direct and honest communication that aligns words with true feelings. It is crucial to challenge common misconceptions about autistic behavior and recognize the importance of providing clear, consistent communication. By doing so, we can create more inclusive social norms that respect the communication preferences of neurodivergent individuals and enhance mutual understanding and respect.

Autism

Achievement by Proxy

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Autistic individuals are not side show exhibits to monetize.

Achievement by Proxy: Understanding and Addressing a Harmful Behavior

“Achievement by proxy” is a term I invented to describe the act of taking credit for someone else’s accomplishments. This behavior often occurs in relationships where one party, such as a friend, parent, or spouse, claims that the achiever could not have succeeded without their support or influence. Understanding the motivations behind achievement by proxy and its detrimental effects on both the perpetrator and the victim is crucial for fostering healthier relationships and personal growth.

Definition of “By Proxy”

The term “by proxy” refers to the authority to act on behalf of someone else. In the context of achievements, it implies that the credit for accomplishments is claimed by someone who assisted or supported the achiever, often overshadowing the actual effort and success of the individual.

What Achievement by Proxy Says About the Perpetrator

  1. Insecurity
    • Explanation: Individuals who engage in achievement by proxy often struggle with their own sense of self-worth and competence. By attaching themselves to another person’s success, they attempt to boost their own self-esteem.
    • Behavior: This may manifest as frequent boasting about their role in others’ achievements or downplaying the efforts of the actual achiever.
  2. Narcissism
    • Explanation: Narcissistic individuals have an excessive need for admiration and validation. Taking credit for others’ successes provides them with the recognition and praise they crave.
    • Behavior: They often dominate conversations about achievements, making it about their contributions rather than acknowledging the actual achiever.
  3. Control and Manipulation
    • Explanation: Some individuals use achievement by proxy as a means to exert control over the achiever, reinforcing a power dynamic where the achiever feels indebted or dependent.
    • Behavior: This can include reminding the achiever of their supposed contributions in moments of conflict or to manipulate the achiever’s decisions.
  4. Ulterior Motives
    • Explanation: Helping someone should come from the goodness of helping, not from a desire for control or manipulation. When help is offered with ulterior motives, it becomes about maintaining influence over the person being helped.
    • Behavior: Such individuals might frequently highlight their assistance to keep the achiever feeling obligated or dependent.

Why Achievement by Proxy Is Unhealthy for Both Parties

  1. Impact on the Achiever
    • Loss of Self-Worth: The achiever’s sense of accomplishment is undermined, leading to feelings of inadequacy and diminished self-esteem.
    • Emotional Distress: Persistent achievement by proxy can cause frustration, resentment, and even depression or anxiety in the achiever.
    • Hindered Growth: When achievements are not fully recognized, the achiever may doubt their capabilities, stifling their personal and professional development.
  2. Impact on the Perpetrator
    • Reinforcement of Negative Traits: Engaging in achievement by proxy perpetuates insecurity and narcissistic behaviors, preventing the perpetrator from addressing their underlying issues.
    • Relationship Strain: This behavior often leads to tension and conflict within relationships, as the achiever feels undervalued and manipulated.
    • Lack of Authentic Connection: By focusing on appropriating others’ successes, the perpetrator misses out on forming genuine, supportive relationships based on mutual respect and recognition.

Addressing Achievement by Proxy

  1. For the Achiever
    • Assertive Communication: Clearly and calmly communicate the importance of recognizing individual contributions. Use “I” statements to express feelings without blaming.
    • Seeking Support: Engage with supportive friends, family members, or professional counselors who can validate the achiever’s feelings and experiences.
    • Documenting Achievements: Keep a detailed record of personal accomplishments to reinforce self-worth and provide evidence of individual efforts.
  2. For the Perpetrator
    • Self-Reflection: Encourage self-reflection to understand the motivations behind their behavior and acknowledge its impact on others.
    • Professional Help: Seek therapy or counseling to address underlying insecurities, narcissistic tendencies, or control issues.
    • Promoting Healthy Recognition: Practice giving genuine recognition and praise to others, focusing on their achievements without seeking personal validation.

Conclusion

Achievement by proxy undermines the true value of individual accomplishments and damages relationships. By understanding the psychological motivations behind this behavior and its detrimental effects, both perpetrators and victims can take steps to foster healthier, more supportive relationships. Recognizing and addressing achievement by proxy is essential for personal growth and maintaining the integrity of individual achievements.